A State of Delirium

I keep having these really weird dreams where i am either pregnant or that i am giving birth. I realize that a lot of it has to do with the anxiety about my sister having her baby, finding out my new sister in law is pregnant, and mothers day. It’s just been crazy. Last night i was giving birth to twins. the week before that i was pregnant. In one of my dreams i remember feeling my stomach and feeling a little baby pressed up against it…and it was hard. For some reason i remember not wanting to be pregnant, or like trying to hide it, but then when people found out i decided to give the baby to one of my cousins who couldnt have kids when the baby was born. Last night, so many women from my life, past and present, showed up at the hospital to congratulate me/be there when i had my baby. It’s just been weird. 

Anyways, this song, for some reason, keeps playing in my dreams. I realize it’s there because i have been listening to it a lot this past month. It’s just been an interesting combination. I wonder where tonight’s dreams where take me. Guess it’s time to find out…

The Mess We’re In - PJ Harvey ft Thom Yorke

Trying to wait around for someone to have their baby is literally the longest and most boring process in the world. My sister went into labor around 11pm…she stuck it out at home and when the contractions got worse she went to the hospital only to find out she was only dilated to a ONE! a ONE people…out of TEN. She was pretty frustrated. So, it’s now 530am and i’ve only collectively grabbed about 2 hours of sleep. I’ve been planning out DIY home projects but this is cray…now she tells me the hospital might send her home. I get so anxious about these things! Waiting to hear if she gets sent home or will be staying. My sister and i were supposed to be going to lunch together in 6 hours, it may be happening today after all. 

anyways, i’m quite up in arms about it all and really want to get things started (segue into song, ha)

Let’s Get It Started - Paris Wells

It’s amazing the things you come up with to do to fill the void of an empty heart. I’ve never been a particularly crafty person but lately i’ve really thrown myself into revamping my living space by re-purposing a lot of great things. It’s a slow process but it’s been nice to occupy my head space. I also have gotten into a health kick. I’m getting ready to do this juice diet my cousin told me about but i am in the pre-diet phase, cutting down on everything fatty. Then the working out…who am i kidding…i’m still trying to figure that bit out!!! Anyways, none of this is really my point…

I have these moments where i think to myself, i’m really doing okay and i am going to be okay. I really feel it too. I really want to celebrate those moments except i will have these other moments where i am just driving home from work and it hits me. Or i am looking at something online and it hits me. It hits me pretty hard too. That feeling of emptiness. I garner it’s going to be quite a while before i feel whole on my own. The best moments don’t seem quite as amazing, and even being around people feels just a little lonely (i didn’t think that was possible, but i’ve learned that it is). It’s amazing that i can talk with people, and laugh, and be having a really good time but somewhere in the mix of it all i will still feel SAD. It’s incredible! 

And then there are my dreams…They feel so real yet are so random. These complete stories…i just can’t explain them, but, i don’t really like sleeping right now. The dreams feel THAT real. 

sigh.

I will go to bed here in a minute and i will wake up and go about my day. I have plans for tomorrow, and i will do them, and my life will go on and go forward…but it is inevitable i will think about him. It’s not that i want to (okay, maybe a little, he did make me laugh A LOT and smile even more), it’s just that i still see him in everything. 

I pride myself in being an extreme realist, but more then that, i’m still a woman. I’m allowed to feel these things!

Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

Dreams, that’s where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there’s a conversation
We both admit we had it good
But until then it’s alienation, I know
That much is understood
And I realize

[Chorus:]
If you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I’m forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I’m not over you, not over you

Damn, damn girl, you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you’re magnificent
I, I’m a boomerang, doesn’t matter how you throw me
I turn around and I’m back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I’m not even close without you

[Chorus:]
If you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I’m forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I’m not over you

And if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you’d be convinced
So until then…

[Chorus:]
If you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I’m forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I’m not over you
Not over you
Not over you
Not over you

When i was growing up i used to watch those cheesy romantic comedies where the guy and the girl would meet and they would have this instant connection and fall madly in love with each other. I always thought that stuff was a joke. I really did, until it happened for me. From the moment i REALLY met him i felt compelled to learn more…i wanted to know him. fast forward a month or so and we went out on our first date. I remember everything about it. I remember being so nervous but being so at ease once we started talking. In fact…i think our date started at 3pm and i didnt get home until 3am. We just wanted to spend time with each other. he was one of those guys that never let anyone past his walls and i didn’t give my heart to anyone without a struggle. But…we seemed to give into each other. I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. It felt like we had known each other for years. In fact, i know him, and his patterns, probably better then he knows himself. I can tell how he is feeling by the sound of his voice or by the hunch in his shoulders. He made me feel safe, and taken care of. It was everything to me. 

Everything about our relationship was perfect, except for one thing. We tried to work our way around it because we loved each other. We tried to find a middle ground so that we could get married together and start a family and not have to fight with each other. It just didn’t work. even i, the eternal optimist, spent a lot of time trying to make a middle ground work…but found myself doubting the future i saw. 

So, we made a decision, the hardest decision two people madly in love could make, and that was to move on…

The hardest part, i have no reason to hate him to make myself stop loving him. In fact, i still think about him just as much as before and i still love him. I’m very sad right now. It’s hard to just turn off feelings. 

To be honest, i don’t think i ever will. I think he will always be someone i share a connection with and who i could talk with forever. I think every time i see him i will be reminded that everything about us together was near perfection and that i loved him oh so dearly. It’s for that reason that we cant see each other right now. We still talk, after all, we were best friends, but i know that over time it will be less frequent as we try to rebuild our lives apart. I can’t think about that right now though. To be honest, even right now, i miss him dearly. I love him. And it is making me cry thinking about not having him in my life like i did. It physically hurts in fact. I used to think i knew what a broken heart felt like…but now i really do. Mines shattered into pieces. 

So, to you, boy, man, to my great love, and to my best friend; I miss you. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss holding your hand. I miss the feel of your skin. I miss the taste of your lips and the smell of your clothes. I will always miss those things and i will always love you. I know that it wont always feel so horrible but if there is one thing i know, it is that i will always look back at my time with you and i know that i love you. Thank you for making me feel loved. thank you for making me feel safe. Thank You for making me laugh. And thank you for always making me feel  beautiful. You will always occupy a huge chunk of my heart. 

Call It Off - Tegan and Sara

For once, i would like something that I REALLY WANT to go in my favor. Can’t a girl just catch a break?

Bother…

Trouble In Here - Howie Day

All that you wanted to say
I’ll never come here again
All that I wanted to say
All gone

Springtime is always in hand
Almost as if you were there
Making a hole under me again
Hold on

Cause I couldn’t make up
A thing that you say, love
There’s trouble in here
Hold on
Thing that I fear

Take all the love outta me
So I’d never see it again
Lost, where are we
On our plane
Ah, yes

Cause I couldn’t make up
A thing that you say, love
There’s trouble in here
Hold on
Thing that I fear

Cause I couldn’t make up
A thing that you say, love
There’s trouble in here
Hold on
A thing that I share
Hold on
There’s trouble in here
Thing that I fear, yeah

I love this song. I’ve always loved it. It seems oddly fitting. I mean, you can make it fit into my own life. I just love it. 

Wicked Game - Chris Isaak

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I’d never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you

And I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I’d never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you
I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)

No I…(this girl is only gonna break your heart)
(This girl is only gonna break your heart)

I kept hearing this song at work and i would say how much i liked it, finally one of the tech’s let me know who it was. I love this song! I was floored to know that it was always on the radio. i didnt think a song like this would be able to make it past all the commercialism…brilliant! the video itself is pretty eclectic but, get into it!

Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?! THIS IS AMAZING!!! She’s brilliant! you cant even recognize the original song ‘til the chorus! Now THIS is a true cover!!

Mamma Mia - Jasmine Kennedy

Life is funny, its fragile, but it is funny. You never know what might happen to you and who you might have to go to for help later. Be awfully careful in your life not to burn the bridges behind you as you walk. 

The part of me that wants to laugh at the irony would be met with anger, but the human side of me has to set aside all the nonsense from the past. 

in deep reflection tonight…

but ultimately, this song just sums it up. just imagine me shaking my head and then throwing my hands up and although i might say, “oh what the heck, just go for it anyways”, what i’m thinking is…..

Blankest Year - Nada Surf

I’ve been feeling anxious for some time. I know there are a pluthera of reasons, only one of which i have any control over. For some reason, this morning, it has reached a pinnacle. I have so much to say and not the right crowd to say it to. i wish time could go even faster. i wish the “future” could be here now…or that it could be so close I could feel it on my fingers…or finger. i wish for so much. It’s getting to that point now where…

I don’t need.

I don’t want.

I WISH. 

Astair - Matt Costa

Astair your glare is killing me
Astair in skies of blue
The signs you wear are making me
So confused

But the mountains and the trees
Are they just what you need
Or are they less than what 
You’d expect to see

And if you’re leaving well come 
Give me reason why I let you down
Before you turn around now now
Before you turn around

Astair you’re there and I’m still here
I swear I’m so confused
The signs you wear are making me
Feel like I’m the one to lose

But the canyons and the seas 
Are they just what you need
Or are they less than what
You’d expect to see

And if you’re leaving well come 
Give me reason why I let you down
Before you turn around now, now

Before you turn around

But the mountains and the trees 
Are they what you perceive
Or are they less than what
You’d expect to see

And if you’re leaving well come 
Give me reason why I let you down
Before you turn around now, now
Before you turn around